I AM YOU...

My soapbox time… This is my opinion, based on my experiences.  I recently read an article done by KAKE News about the crime rate in Pratt County being double what it was last year at this time.  My opinion, there is an epidemic of IV meth users that I believe is higher than it has been in years.  This town also has heroin being distributed.  I am a recovering addict, I have been aware of the drug problem in this town for years, as I was part of it.  For as long as I have known, Pratt did not have a high rate of heroin use, but that has now changed.  The amount of people using meth intravenously is extremely high.  THAT is our problem, drugs.  If you look at the inmate roster on the sheriff’s website, I would bet 99.9% of the cases are related to meth use in one way or another, the other .1% is the occasional alcoholic that got busted driving.  In my opinion, our problem has nothing to do with the increase in population because of oilfield workers, it has everything to do with the fact that our public, our healthcare professionals, and even our judicial system is uneducated about addiction.  I am not blaming them or anyone, just stating what I know, and hoping people learn from my mistakes.

Kansas does not have a strong support system for recovery, and it is unfortunate.  This state provides few treatment centers and they are mostly 30 day programs.  I will tell you about my experience of getting sober.  The first few days I got sober, I wanted to leave, but all those options had been taken from me, so I had to stay.  The first few weeks of sobriety, I was exhausted, physically and emotionally and depression started to set in, so I slept as much as possible.  After all, that is less time you feel the detox effects on your body.  The 3^rd week, I started to feel like I may live again.  Things seemed a little better and I quit focusing so much on how I was going to get out of that facility to get my drug of choice again, and I started to face the reality that I was stuck there.  Around the 4^th and 5^th week of sobriety, ALL of the anxiety came back stronger than ever and the cravings were worse than they were the first few days I became sober.  The problem here is, this is when we are sending these newly sober addicts out to face their new world.  A 90 day treatment program keeps the addict safe through these periods of sobriety when you are most likely to use.  The state of Kansas needs to, in my opinion, either reform the current facilities that it mandates people to go through after committing a crime, or invest in new facilities that include 90-day male or female facilities, not unisex.  Statistics prove that these programs are more effective and the relapse rates are lower.  I have been through a 30-day program in Kansas several times and was never successful in obtaining recovery.  I went through a 90-day program in California for women only, and I have been sober for almost 2 ½ years and I feel my sobriety is stronger than ever.  The programs in these two states are run differently.  In Kansas, you are taught not to do drugs or drink.  In California, I saw a therapist to help me through the trauma of my past, I saw a spiritual advisor to help me strengthen my faith and understand what I believed.  She didn’t persuade me, she guided me on the journey I chose.  I had to cook my own meals, buy my own groceries, live with other girls going through the same thing, all in a house which was used as a treatment center.  We had to learn to live again, take care of ourselves, deal with issues of everyday life and confront the past we were running from and numbing ourselves from feeling with drugs/alcohol, and we did it in a safe, comfortable environment.  That is what made it work for me.  In California, the idea for recovery is based on a spiritual awakening that is described in the Big Book.  They don’t teach you “not to do drugs”, they teach you to follow your higher power’s will over your own.  When you have the spiritual awakening through working your steps, the need to do drugs or drink alcohol is removed.  There is nothing left to cover up.  You are able to cope again.  You are able to “feel” your life again, and all of the hard work you did to get to this point becomes worth it, so you keep going, and it keeps getting better…

Currently, we have a judicial system who believes they are “punishing” an addict for criminal activity by putting them in a jail cell for a short period of time and then allowing them to bail out and continue on with a warning, “If you do it again…”  There is no reforming people, because we never get down to the nitty-gritty of the problem.  We occasionally send them to the 30-day program to “get sober” and we think we are giving them the “opportunity” to change their lives.  This could not be further from the truth.  The judicial system needs to understand that an addict never just sat down one day and said, “I want to become an addict and completely destroy my life and the life of my family members, kids, and everybody who cares about me.”  That’s not how it happens.  People sometimes “experiment” with drugs and drinking in high school, sometimes later in life.  You often hear those people say, I never had a problem, I just quit.  The point when that person starts using a substance to cope with problems and traumas in their lives is the point when they become an addict, I believe.  I was on pain medicine of high doses, for a nerve disease, for 10 years before I started using it to numb the emotional pain as much as the physical pain.  My now ex-husband and I went through a divorce and it was devastating.  That’s the first time I remember taking a couple pain pills after I put my son to bed, just so I could relax and not cry.  That is the point I became an addict I believe.  I never wanted this for my life, although I can say now I am grateful for my addiction as I believe my life is far better than it ever was before my addiction.  The judges who release these people from jail by lowering their bonds to be affordable after they believe they have been there long enough to learn their lesson, need to understand that for an addict, they cannot “learn their lesson.”  For an addict, the substance they are addicted to is a necessity.  Their brains need it as bad as oxygen and water.  It’s much like if you were drowning, and your body is getting lower and lower on oxygen, your brain tells your body to do whatever it has to do to take one last breath.  That’s the way an addict’s brain works for their drug of choice.  They will steal, cheat, lie, they will do ANYTING to get that drug.  An addict’s brain is sick and it sees it no different than that oxygen you just saw yourself fighting for.  For most families of these addicts, they are relieved when their loved one is in jail because it is the only place they know they are safe. 

A murder in Pratt?  Seems shocking in our small town, until you consider the drug problem.  You have a group of people pushing methamphetamines into their veins, which makes them paranoid and feel above the law, along with many delusions and hallucinations from being awake so long.  Then you give them access to a gun, not a safe mix.  Obviously I do not know that this young man was on meth when he committed this crime, but I do know meth was involved in the reason for the crime, and it is so unfortunate that this young woman lost her life, many prayers to her family.  If you think about it, this is the first generation that has been raised with not being allowed to show or practice their faith in a school setting, or really anywhere in public.  So, now we have young kids, drugs, guns, NO right to speak/think of a higher power for the majority of their day, that have not developed enough to truly understand the consequences of their actions or what death really means and who it affects.  That is a scary thought…

I believe our state needs to reform its recovery system so we are able to change this crime rate and actually help people change their lives so they can get out of the vicious cycle an addict’s decisions lead them to.  We need to educate people and educate each other on solutions. 

Who am I?  I am an RN, although I no longer feel safe practicing in the medical field because of my addiction.  I currently help manage a very successful company that my family owns.  I am a single mother to two beautiful boys that are happy to have a healthy mommy.  After all, my oldest witnessed me near death several times.  I am a daughter to two wonderful parents who almost lost their will to live watching me go through my addiction and not being able to save me from myself.  I now work with and spend most of my waking days with my parents, because my sobriety brought me so close to both of them.  I am the sister to a wonderful woman that I completely lost my relationship with at one point because of my addiction, and now have a better relationship than ever before.  I am the aunt to three beautiful babies that get to spend time with me whenever possible after going years without being able to see me at all.  I am a beautiful, strong, independent, hard working woman, who never thought I was worth anything and now I see my strength, and what I have overcome and I love who I am today.

Obviously, all of this is my opinion and is only based on my experience.  I don’t tell my story to get people to look at me like I’m crazy, feel sorry for my family, or think bad of me for my past.  I tell my story because I AM YOU.  I am your family member.  I am someone you know…  Addiction does not discriminate.  I AM YOU.