You Are Our Front Lines...

My soapbox time…  I remember in nursing school learning about addiction just enough to know the word.  I thought I knew what a rehab was, but I really didn’t have a clue.  I became a nurse and my career started in ICU.  I, like every doctor and nurse, had many patients that had addictions.  I would roll my eyes and become annoyed having to treat them, astonished at the amount of meds they could take.  I eventually became an addict, and still had no clue about addiction.  I remember my family dragging me to a rehab and that was my first view inside the doors.  Within the first few days, they mentioned the word 12-step program.  Wasn’t sure what they were talking about, but I was forced to listen.  They forced me through the first 4 steps in a matter of 3 weeks and sent me on my way.

I am writing this because I believe our medical professionals are not educated about addiction or how to treat addicts.  You are faced with the dilemmas of whether or not to give pain meds, how much to give, and whether your patient is really in pain or just seeking drugs.  I’m going to give you a few things to consider and hopefully give you the opportunity to see things in a different way.

As I mentioned before, my family had to drag me to rehab the first time kicking and screaming, and I mean that literally.  I even lost a toenail on the way because of my childish behaviors.  I was pregnant and trying to get off high doses of pain meds and was having a hard time, so they took me there to help me sober up.  I went through the 30-day program.  I always have very high-risk pregnancies and this one was no different.  After returning home, I went into labor and was only 21-weeks pregnant, not a viable pregnancy.  I was living in the same city as a relative who was a RN at a local hospital.  So, still having a sick mind, I knew NOT to go to her hospital for that meant she could have some sort of control of my care.  I traveled to the only other hospital in town and waddled into the Emergency Dept.  I had been in labor at home taking care of my other son for 3 days by this point, all alone.  My relative knew I was headed there but she was working so I didn’t expect to see her.  This relative, trying to help with my sobriety, bless her heart, had called the Emergency Department and notified the physician that I was an addict and he should not give me pain meds, my reason for NOT going to her hospital was now failing.  The physician sent me to the basement for a sonogram.  They wheeled me in and put me in this dark room and the sono-tech did the sonogram and had this terrible look on her face and said she had to go talk to the doctor.  She left me in this dark room, in the basement of the hospital, without a call light or any way to get help.  I was left in this state for about 30 minutes while the doctor reviewed the problems.  Let me remind you, I am now in full blown end stages of labor, no pain meds, and terrified because I know something is bad and I am probably in the midst of losing my child, still completely alone.  By the time she returns, I am moaning in pain and my body is naturally pushing. (I’m going to stop here because I want you to see that this is the way we treat addicts/alcoholics.  Not on purpose, not because we want them in pain, but because we have a stigma in our head of what an addict looks like and what an addict acts like.  We don’t stop to think about the fact that an addict is a human like every other human and could, in fact, truly be in pain.  We are scared to treat addicts.  We are scared to make them feel better because God forbid they end up feeling good… Our minds tell us they don’t deserve to feel good.) 

The end of this story is, when the tech finally arrived back in the room and realized how bad I was, she rushed me upstairs.  The doctor realized what was going on and rushed me up to labor and delivery where shortly after arriving I delivered my baby boy and he died.  His name is Cole and he was beautiful.  This experience was one of the most traumatic things I have ever been through.  I was then given a medicine help with bleeding that instantly gave me a spinal headache.  I still was not treated for the pain.  I begged the doctor to send me home because I was in so much pain and he finally got tired of my complaining and did just that.  He sent me home with nothing but sadness, loss, and now a horrific amount of pain.

Now, I want you to stop and think about that patient.  I want you to consider that when somebody struggles with addiction, they know where and how to get drugs.  They don’t have to come to a hospital.  When we don’t treat their pain, they know where to go to treat their pain.  They don’t need a doctor or a nurse to treat pain.  If you don’t treat them, they will find it elsewhere.  So, now we are putting the patient on the streets to self-medicate, and they aren’t going to come back next time they are in pain because we broke their trust, so they continue to self-medicate and not take care of medical issues.  They come in for help, we treat them like an “addict” and make them feel shameful and less of a person, and then we turn them out where they can find meds and dose them inaccurately.  Not safe… And I know no medical professional intends for this to happen.

I also want you to consider that, as a medical professional, it is not our responsibility to treat their addiction.  We are NOT qualified to treat addiction.  Addicts have to want help to be helped.  They have to hit their rock bottom and that is nobody’s but theirs.  What we can do is help keep them safe while they are in our care.  If an addict needs pain medicine, it is best to give them meds in the facility and not prescribe meds to have at home.  If they need meds at home, you treat them as any other patient and prescribe them like you normally would; only you try to help them make a plan.  As a recovering addict I have had a baby and surgery in recovery.  I worked with my sponsor and made a plan before it ever came up.  I sat down with my parents and asked them to control the meds and give them to me as prescribed when needed.  I explained to them what they would see in my behaviors.  My mind gets sick all over again when I have to take these meds and I start trying to manipulate and abuse them.  I know that now.  I can make a plan and explain this ahead of time and have a plan set up for when it happens so my recovery is safe.  If you have to send a script home with them, try to help them make a plan with a relative that can help them control the meds.  Offer them names and resources to help them if and when they are ready.  Call somebody that is in the program to come in to the hospital and talk to them about solutions.  Touch them on the arm while you are talking to them and make them feel like you care.  When a nurse or doctor treats this person like they deserve to be treated, with respect and care, you cannot imagine the affect it has on that patient.  That simple act of kindness could be the difference that may change their life.  That is a small moment that you can give them to make them feel normal, cared for, human.  An addict/alcoholic in their addiction does not feel these feelings often.  Be the one person they see this week that looks at them like you care about them.  You never know how long it’s been since they had that and it may be life-changing.

For the recovering addict, please do not call them in a narcotic to the pharmacy for them to pick up.  I have the most wonderful doctor in the world, I believe.  A couple weeks ago my nerve disease flared up and I called his office and said, “I need something for my nerve disease because the pain is bad, but I don’t want narcotics.”  The nurse said I will talk to him and call you back.  She later called back and says, “He called you in a script for Hydrocodone and it should be ready soon at your pharmacy.”  My mind started spinning.  I could almost see it spinning.  It was like I had two heads, one was telling me nobody knows you are getting this, get it and run!  Nobody will find out!  The other head was telling me I don’t want to relapse, call somebody, call somebody, call somebody.  Thank God, my sobriety was strong enough to overrule my addict brain.  I called my mom immediately and my parents helped me control the medication.  I am sure in this doctor’s mind, he was giving me a very small dose and would not refill it so I was safe.  What he didn’t think about is, again, I’m an addict, I know where to go to get pain meds.  I don’t need him to refill it.  Once I get started on that road, there is no stopping me.  I can’t stop myself.  Work with the recovering addict to also make a plan.  Narcotics should not be given without seeing them in person and making sure they have a safe way to administer the meds as ordered. 

There are so many ways the medical community can be a part of their patient’s health, and I understand there is not time to do everything we want for every single patient we have, but please do what you can.  You are our front lines.  The way you treat them when they want help is how they are going to remember what help looks like forever.  If you are rude and demeaning, they aren’t going to be as likely or willing to go seek help elsewhere.  If you are kind and helpful and get them to the right people in the program to help them, we can make a difference together.

Addiction affects every single one of us in one way or another.  You are in the position to help these people.  If you can, take the time to attend a meeting that you suggest to these patients.  Learn about addiction and how to treat it, not just what our books say, but talk to people that are affected by this disease.  Not every meeting is the same.  Not every meeting is as strong in sobriety as the next.  Don’t be a by-standard, be involved.  I write this based on my experience.  I tell my story because I AM YOU.  I am your family member.  I am your neighbor.  I am someone you know…  Addiction does not discriminate.  I AM YOU.

You Don't Know...

You don't know...

You don't know how important your life is, until you see your child's eyes filled with fear of losing you forever.

You don't know how nice a car is, until you lose the one you have.

You don't know how nice a bed is, until you have to pack yours up and appreciate sleeping on someone else's.

You don't know how important your family is, until you can't call your daddy to say... I'm scared.

You don't know how nice it feels to have someone to love, until you find yourself sleeping all alone.

You don't know how warm your house is, until you have no home to call your own.

You don't know how much you love your children, until you have to ask someone else to tell them you love them for you.

You don't know what you have, until its gone.

Three years have passed since I lost all of these things I took for granted. In a week I will give my children a new home, our home. I have my children, a job I love, a vehicle that runs, my family, and most of all I'm alive to enjoy my children's lives. I can protect them, provide for them, love them, and feel them. Thank you God for bringing me back home and giving me my smile back. I am so grateful for the life I have today. I don't have it all, I have so much more. It's not perfect, it's amazing.

I AM YOU...

My soapbox time… This is my opinion, based on my experiences.  I recently read an article done by KAKE News about the crime rate in Pratt County being double what it was last year at this time.  My opinion, there is an epidemic of IV meth users that I believe is higher than it has been in years.  This town also has heroin being distributed.  I am a recovering addict, I have been aware of the drug problem in this town for years, as I was part of it.  For as long as I have known, Pratt did not have a high rate of heroin use, but that has now changed.  The amount of people using meth intravenously is extremely high.  THAT is our problem, drugs.  If you look at the inmate roster on the sheriff’s website, I would bet 99.9% of the cases are related to meth use in one way or another, the other .1% is the occasional alcoholic that got busted driving.  In my opinion, our problem has nothing to do with the increase in population because of oilfield workers, it has everything to do with the fact that our public, our healthcare professionals, and even our judicial system is uneducated about addiction.  I am not blaming them or anyone, just stating what I know, and hoping people learn from my mistakes.

Kansas does not have a strong support system for recovery, and it is unfortunate.  This state provides few treatment centers and they are mostly 30 day programs.  I will tell you about my experience of getting sober.  The first few days I got sober, I wanted to leave, but all those options had been taken from me, so I had to stay.  The first few weeks of sobriety, I was exhausted, physically and emotionally and depression started to set in, so I slept as much as possible.  After all, that is less time you feel the detox effects on your body.  The 3^rd week, I started to feel like I may live again.  Things seemed a little better and I quit focusing so much on how I was going to get out of that facility to get my drug of choice again, and I started to face the reality that I was stuck there.  Around the 4^th and 5^th week of sobriety, ALL of the anxiety came back stronger than ever and the cravings were worse than they were the first few days I became sober.  The problem here is, this is when we are sending these newly sober addicts out to face their new world.  A 90 day treatment program keeps the addict safe through these periods of sobriety when you are most likely to use.  The state of Kansas needs to, in my opinion, either reform the current facilities that it mandates people to go through after committing a crime, or invest in new facilities that include 90-day male or female facilities, not unisex.  Statistics prove that these programs are more effective and the relapse rates are lower.  I have been through a 30-day program in Kansas several times and was never successful in obtaining recovery.  I went through a 90-day program in California for women only, and I have been sober for almost 2 ½ years and I feel my sobriety is stronger than ever.  The programs in these two states are run differently.  In Kansas, you are taught not to do drugs or drink.  In California, I saw a therapist to help me through the trauma of my past, I saw a spiritual advisor to help me strengthen my faith and understand what I believed.  She didn’t persuade me, she guided me on the journey I chose.  I had to cook my own meals, buy my own groceries, live with other girls going through the same thing, all in a house which was used as a treatment center.  We had to learn to live again, take care of ourselves, deal with issues of everyday life and confront the past we were running from and numbing ourselves from feeling with drugs/alcohol, and we did it in a safe, comfortable environment.  That is what made it work for me.  In California, the idea for recovery is based on a spiritual awakening that is described in the Big Book.  They don’t teach you “not to do drugs”, they teach you to follow your higher power’s will over your own.  When you have the spiritual awakening through working your steps, the need to do drugs or drink alcohol is removed.  There is nothing left to cover up.  You are able to cope again.  You are able to “feel” your life again, and all of the hard work you did to get to this point becomes worth it, so you keep going, and it keeps getting better…

Currently, we have a judicial system who believes they are “punishing” an addict for criminal activity by putting them in a jail cell for a short period of time and then allowing them to bail out and continue on with a warning, “If you do it again…”  There is no reforming people, because we never get down to the nitty-gritty of the problem.  We occasionally send them to the 30-day program to “get sober” and we think we are giving them the “opportunity” to change their lives.  This could not be further from the truth.  The judicial system needs to understand that an addict never just sat down one day and said, “I want to become an addict and completely destroy my life and the life of my family members, kids, and everybody who cares about me.”  That’s not how it happens.  People sometimes “experiment” with drugs and drinking in high school, sometimes later in life.  You often hear those people say, I never had a problem, I just quit.  The point when that person starts using a substance to cope with problems and traumas in their lives is the point when they become an addict, I believe.  I was on pain medicine of high doses, for a nerve disease, for 10 years before I started using it to numb the emotional pain as much as the physical pain.  My now ex-husband and I went through a divorce and it was devastating.  That’s the first time I remember taking a couple pain pills after I put my son to bed, just so I could relax and not cry.  That is the point I became an addict I believe.  I never wanted this for my life, although I can say now I am grateful for my addiction as I believe my life is far better than it ever was before my addiction.  The judges who release these people from jail by lowering their bonds to be affordable after they believe they have been there long enough to learn their lesson, need to understand that for an addict, they cannot “learn their lesson.”  For an addict, the substance they are addicted to is a necessity.  Their brains need it as bad as oxygen and water.  It’s much like if you were drowning, and your body is getting lower and lower on oxygen, your brain tells your body to do whatever it has to do to take one last breath.  That’s the way an addict’s brain works for their drug of choice.  They will steal, cheat, lie, they will do ANYTING to get that drug.  An addict’s brain is sick and it sees it no different than that oxygen you just saw yourself fighting for.  For most families of these addicts, they are relieved when their loved one is in jail because it is the only place they know they are safe. 

A murder in Pratt?  Seems shocking in our small town, until you consider the drug problem.  You have a group of people pushing methamphetamines into their veins, which makes them paranoid and feel above the law, along with many delusions and hallucinations from being awake so long.  Then you give them access to a gun, not a safe mix.  Obviously I do not know that this young man was on meth when he committed this crime, but I do know meth was involved in the reason for the crime, and it is so unfortunate that this young woman lost her life, many prayers to her family.  If you think about it, this is the first generation that has been raised with not being allowed to show or practice their faith in a school setting, or really anywhere in public.  So, now we have young kids, drugs, guns, NO right to speak/think of a higher power for the majority of their day, that have not developed enough to truly understand the consequences of their actions or what death really means and who it affects.  That is a scary thought…

I believe our state needs to reform its recovery system so we are able to change this crime rate and actually help people change their lives so they can get out of the vicious cycle an addict’s decisions lead them to.  We need to educate people and educate each other on solutions. 

Who am I?  I am an RN, although I no longer feel safe practicing in the medical field because of my addiction.  I currently help manage a very successful company that my family owns.  I am a single mother to two beautiful boys that are happy to have a healthy mommy.  After all, my oldest witnessed me near death several times.  I am a daughter to two wonderful parents who almost lost their will to live watching me go through my addiction and not being able to save me from myself.  I now work with and spend most of my waking days with my parents, because my sobriety brought me so close to both of them.  I am the sister to a wonderful woman that I completely lost my relationship with at one point because of my addiction, and now have a better relationship than ever before.  I am the aunt to three beautiful babies that get to spend time with me whenever possible after going years without being able to see me at all.  I am a beautiful, strong, independent, hard working woman, who never thought I was worth anything and now I see my strength, and what I have overcome and I love who I am today.

Obviously, all of this is my opinion and is only based on my experience.  I don’t tell my story to get people to look at me like I’m crazy, feel sorry for my family, or think bad of me for my past.  I tell my story because I AM YOU.  I am your family member.  I am someone you know…  Addiction does not discriminate.  I AM YOU.